Arguments Escalating? Try This…

It’s so great to find that one special person you

want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Rita Rudner

With nearly half of marriages ending in divorce, and an even higher rate for subsequent marriages, we need all the help we can get. Here are some tips to assist you in improving your communication and navigating difficult conversations.

If you find that you and your partner begin to get escalated quickly, call a TIME OUT. Discuss what you will do and where you will go, be sure both of you are comfortable with the plan should a time-out be called. Time-outs should be no less than 20 minutes and that time should be spent doing something to decompress, not spent perseverating on your argument. When you come back together at the agreed upon time to discuss, use the following technique to stay calm.

Speaker-Listener Technique (Fighting for your Marriage, 1994)

Rules for speaker

Speak for yourself, don’t try to read your partner's mind.

Keep statements brief and succinct, don’t go on and on, this is not a diatribe.

Stop to let the listener paraphrase after 3-4 sentences.

Rules for listener

Paraphrase what you hear.

Focus on the message, don’t argue your point.

Write down what your partner is saying if you’re unable to refrain from responding while they’re talking.

Rules for both

The speaker has the floor, or designated and agreed upon object.

Speaker keeps the floor while the listener paraphrases.

Share the floor.